Vile Valentine - update!

Although the competition does not end until 5pm, I have been overwhelmed by the number of entries for A Very Vile Valentine's. In fact, just so any late applicants know what they are up against, here's my top five answers so far... and you'll be hard pressed to beat them!

I WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH VILE BECAUSE...

I am going to stab him and win the bounty put on his head by the Critics' Circle.

He keeps a bottle of vodka in his office drawer for 'inspiration'.

I am training to be a psychologist and he'll make an excellent case study.

I really hate myself that much.

He is promising to wear a mask so I don't have to look at his face.

Keep sending them in, theatre fans!